Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Potus, Camp David part VIII

The CIA director said, "Good idea, we'll blame the Israelis.  They've been itching to get a crack at the Brits for a long time.  Is it any coincidence that the Israeli Prime Minister, a former Mossad agent, is here on 'vacation' and is now missing, presumably flying back to Zion?"
"Exactly what I was thinking," said the man from the NSA.  "The Mossad cleverly architected a surgical hit directly inside the Camp David compound.  Thank God the President was never in any harm's way."
"Yes," said Potus proudly.
The CIA director continued, "We're already sending out messages and counter-intelligence to our allies and enemies.  We've taken care to slightly alter the story in each case so that the contradictory information will seem more believable."
"Excellent," said Potus.  "What about England?  They won't like that we've killed their leader."
The CIA director chuckled.  "No, their leader is the Queen.  Imagine the nuclear holocaust we'd be sitting in right now if she were killed during a Ghost Dance marshmallow incident?  No, no, other than some headlines in the press they won't notice."
"Oh, good," said Potus.
The man from the NSA said, "We should inform them directly as quickly as possible.  It's getting late in the afternoon their time and you need to apologise directly to the Queen before she learns about it on the internet."
"Me apologise?" asked Potus.
"Well, you know," said the man from the NSA.  "You just appear as if you are very concerned and apologetic.  You say, 'Ma'am (as in ham) I'm very sorry for your loss.  We wish you the best.  So on and so forth.'"
"Ma'am as in ham," said Potus.  "Got it."
"Good," said the CIA director.  We've got the video conference equipment setup with our offices in West Hampshire.  We have a stand-in who is fully briefed and she'll practice with you before you talk to the Queen so you can practice what you are going to say."
"Right," said Potus.
"Let's pull up West Hampshire," said the man from the NSA.
Potus uncrossed his legs and sat upright, folding his hands on the table.  A large image of the room and Potus with Shaniqua over his shoulder appeared on the screen.
"This is so you can see yourself and your posture, test your facial expressions and so forth," said the CIA director.
"Of course," said Potus, shifting and making faces at himself.  Shaniqua scowled.
An older, distinguished lady showed up in a box to the lower left.  Potus nodded.  "Let's test it."
The older lady and her regal surroundings popped up full screen and the Potus image shrunk to a small box.  "Nice setup," Potus said.
The older lady tilted her head and looked off-camera.  "We might be having audio troubles," said the CIA director.  "They chose a really good actress.  She really looks like the Queen."
"Hello Ma'am like ham," said Potus, giggling.  The woman frowned and looked at Potus.
Potus cleared his voice and tried to be serious.  "Hello Ma'am.  I'm Potus and I've got some urgent news for you."
"Yes, go ahead Potus," said the Queen actress.
"I'm afraid that your Prime Minister, who was a very good man by the way, has met an untimely ending.  We had a, um, a, um," Potus looked at the CIA director who mouthed a word.  Potus continued, "We've had a most unforunate incident in which the Prime Minister has met his death."
"Oh, dear," said the Queen actress.  She lifted a tea cup daintily and sipped it, pinkie extended.  She gently put down her tea cup in its saucer.
"Yes, Ma'am as in ham, I mean, just Ma'am," said Potus.  "We are gathering evidence, but we assume that he was assassinated by the Mossad and their killers, possibly with a marshmallow that was on fire.  I, of course, do not know anything about the incident personally and have no knowledge of the events surrounding his passing.  He was a very good man, a good leader, and heavy drinker."
"Oh, pish posh," said the Queen actress.  "He was not a very good man 'tall.  I don't speak ill of the dead, but Britain is better off without him.  I always did wish he hadn't been elected."
"Yes, Ma'am," said Potus raising his eyebrows.
"Ok, cut," said the CIA director.
The old lady looked surprised and looked off-camera.  "What's that?" she asked.  "I thought this was supposed to be a formal call from the United States.  He hasn't even got a shirt or any trousers on.  He's wearing bloody women's pants."
"I think this is real," whispered the large man from the NSA.
"No, it can't be," said the CIA director.
Shaniqua stuck out her tongue and made faces at the camera that could be seen in the small window-in-window view.  "Those aren't pants, those are my panties!" she yelled.
"Cut the feed, cut the feed," yelled Potus.  The view of the Queen clicked off and the view of Potus and Shaniqua filled the entire screen.
"That was bad," said the CIA director.
"I think so," said Potus.  "I didn't even straighten my tie."

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