Saturday, October 13, 2012

Potus, Confronting Congress Part II

"Johnson, remove this House Speaker before I do harm to him."
After the Speaker of the House left, Potus sat down while the Chief of Staff looked on.  The Chief of Staff asked, "Sir, how did it go with the Speaker?  I assume it didn't go well."
"No," sighed Potus.  "That wasn't what I hoped for.  We didn't get any funding and I'm sure he is aware of our plans now."
"Which plans, Sir?"
"The plans to implement a new time standard, Federal American Time.  Federal offices in New York would open at 9am F. A. T.  Federal offices in Oregon would open at 12pm F. A. T.  If someone on the east coast wants to call someone on the West coast, there wouldn't be any math.  You just check your watch."  Potus acted out someone trying to arrange a meeting.  "'What time is it?  Oh, I see, it's 4pm.  I guess that crazy nutjob in California is just now finishing his avocado and alfalfa spout sandwhich on whole grain.  I'll let him digest his greens and leave a turd stone in the toilet before we call him for a meeting.'"
The Chief of Staff nodded weakly.  He said, "Sir, we've scheduled the Majority leader from the Senate to meet with you as well.  They wouldn't want you to meet one and not the other."
"Oh really?" asked Potus.  "I'm weary.  Send him in.  I'll fillibuster this guy too."
"Certainly Sir," said the Chief of Staff retreating.
Potus stood magnanimously as the Senate Marjority leader was led in.  They shook hands and Potus motioned for his guest to sit.
"Would you like some tea," offered Potus.  "They say you old folks like tea."
"No, thank  you, son," said the Senate leader.
"Well, first of let me say that it is a great honour to meet with you and that your colleague in the House has been most unkind and rude to me, and that I am uncomfortable to know of his existence on this planet."
The Senate majority leader nodded, stroking his white beard.
Potus continued, "He was personally offensive toward you and even made disparaging remarks about your beard."
The Senate leader stopped stroking his beard and sat upright.
Potus raised his hand.  "No, no, I know.  I know.  I had to stand up for you.  Saying that a man's beard is bull semen is like calling him a liar to his face."
The Senate Majority leader spoke up.  "Sir, as you know, the Senate is a mature and stable body.  We don't allow just anyone to sit in a Senate seat, these are earned and passed down through the generations.  The House, however, is an unruly lot filled with children and charlatans of every stripe."
Potus nodded in agreement.  "You couldn't have said it better.  I personally think your beard is quite distinguished and makes you look younger than your eighty years."
The Senate leader smiled and relaxed again, stroking his beard contentedly.
Potus said, "I personally think of myself as a great joiner; one who is willing to reach across the aisle, across arbitrary boundaries and grasp the hard working hand of my fellow every person doing good work."
The Senate Majority leader continued nodding and stroking his beard.
Potus continued, "I wish that were all that was to say about the House Speaker.  He also made some horrible claims about your family and their interactions with animal byproducts, which I won't repeat for fear of upsetting you."
The Senate leader leaned forward intently again.  "Which family members?"
Potus waved his hand.  "No, no, it won't do to repeat it.  I won't repeat the horrible things he said about the disgusting acts.  I won't repeat them.  I won't."
The Sentate leader insisted.  "No, I must know, please, I beg of you, I must know to defend myself and the reputation of those around me."
Potus seemed to give in a little.  "Are you sure you can handle it?  I don't like to repeat bad things about good people and I certainly don't like to tell stories that are passed on in third-party hearsay."
"I insist."
"Woof," said Potus, exhaling.  "He toldl some unbelievable stories I don't even like to admit to understanding.  He said that your son-in-law reportedly was caught dealilng in black-market cheeses."
The Senate Marjority leader sat perfectly still.  "Continue," he said.
"Well, I told him I don't believev him."  Potus said.  "But he seemed so credible.  He says your son-in-law was mixing Gorgonzola cheese with, well, I'm ashamed.  I can't say it."
"Go on," the Senate leader prodded.
"Well, again, let me say I don't believe a word of it." said Potus.  "I just can't believe that someone would accuse a fine upstanding citize of this.  He said your son-in-law was mixing Gorgonzola cheese with Camembert cheese."
"That's an outrage," exclaimed the Senate Majority leader.  "My son-in-law is a good-for-nothing ne'er-do-well who stole my daughter when they eloped together.  However, his dealings and contacts in the Government cheese sector have been outrageous.  I've tried to protect him for my daughter's sake but now the secret is out.  I must do something about it.  I can no longer turn a blind eye to his shameful dealings."
Potus raised his hand.  "Don't worry.  Your son-in-law's secret is safe with me.  I'll help you protect the honour of your family and your daughter.  Together we can get this whole problem dealt with in a most discreet way.  Allow me to let you in our little plan."
The Senate leader leaned forward in his seat, nearly touching the grand table in front of Potus.
Potus paused conspiratorially then spoke quietly.  "We can introduce and pass a measure to get rid of all the timezones in America.  We'll call it American Federal Standard Time, or whatever you choose, and then we'll let the word on the street know that it was actually the Speaker of the House who introduced it."
The Senate leader nodded thoughfully.  "I see.  We'll blame him for bringing such a bill to the floor and he'll be discredited for life.  What about Alaska and Hawaii?  How would they function with a single timezone system?"
Potus nodded.  "Exactly, you've hit the nail on the head."
The Senate leader stroked his beard again.  "Except we'll call it the Federal American Time instead.  The House folks are Statists, not Federalists.  They would never call it the 'American Federal' time; that would be a blatant attempt to try to blame us for introducing the bill.  No one will ever suspect that we are actually the ones introducing the bill to blame it on them instead."
"Ha, ha," cried Potus.  "You are a brilliant strategist and an uncanny wit if I do say so myself."
"You do, indeed say so yourself," said the Senate Majority leader good naturedly.
"Well, sir," said Potus.  "It's been a pleasure, and I hope we'll meet again soon."
"Yes, yes," muttered the Senate leader.
Potus stood and offered his hand.  The Senate Marjority leader remained seated.
"Well?" asked Potus.
"Hmmm.  Yes, it's just that..."
"Yes?" asked Potus.
"I'm afraid I've had a problem with my colostemy bag..." said the Senate Majority leader.
"Oh, God, no," exlaimed Potus, recoiling.  He yelled out, "Chief of Staff.  Johnson, come in here!"

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