He yelled out, "Chief of Staff. Johnson, come in here!"
"What's wrong?" They answered in unison, arriving.
"He's shit his pants, the old goat," said Potus.
"I have not," said the House Majority leader. "I've spilt my colostemy bag."
"Oh, God," said Potus, covering his nose and mouth. "It smells like rotting fish inside a dead venison carcass."
"I disagree," said Johnson, trying not to gag. "It smells like sourdough after it's turned and the yeast have expired."
The Chief of Staff sniffed thoughtfully. "Hmm," he said. "I think it's more like the Senator needs to eat more vegetables. Less steaks, leaner cuts of meat like chicken, and definitely more greens for iron."
"Get him the fuck out of here," exclaimed Potus waving and retreating behind his desk.
Johnson spoke into his wrist and three agents appeared. They each took a corner of the chair the Senator sat in and carried him out tipping precariously.
"How did it go?" asked the Cheif of Staff after the room had aired out slightly.
"Like shit," said Potus.
"No, other than the incident with the colostemy bag. Regarding the budget crisis?"
"Ah, yes, the budget crisis." said Potus. "We'll see about that."
Potus turned suddenly and started a new subject. "Let's call a joint session of Congress. We'll get them together in one room and we'll give them a speech. I'm known for my speeches. In fact, the whole Office has been known for its speeches. We'll give them something they can rally around and the whole nation's balance of powers will be balanced once again. This time, hopefully, with me in control."
The Chief of Staff had taken off his glasses while Potus spoke and was polishing them. "Sir, It's not quite that easy. You have to be formally invited."
"Good," answered Potus. "Formally invite me."
The Chief of Staff paled and polished his glasses more vigourously. He said, "That's not up to me, Sir. It's up to the Speaker of the House. I don't think he likes us."
Potus frowned. "Hmm, that is bad. Tell him we'll cut a deal." Potus snapped his fingers. "Tell him we'll release those pictures of that poor lovesick Capybara."
The Chief of Staff said, "Well, I don't think that's wise..."
"Of course it's wise," snapped Potus. "A word to the wise is sufficient. I am sufficient."
Just then, the decorative phone rang.
Potus stared at it. The phone rang again.
"Well, go on," prompted Potus to the Chief of Staff.
The phone rang again. The Chief of Staff put on his glasses and picked up the phone. "Office of the Staff of the President," he said timidly.
The Chief of Staff listened for a while, then handed the receiver to Potus. "It's for you," he said in a stage whisper.
Potus looked annoyed. "Hello?" he said. "This is he," he answered after a short pause. He listened for a few minutes.
"No, I don't want to buy any Girl Scout cookies. Look, how did you get this number?" He paused, listening. "No, ma'am, the federal government does not deal with regional affairs like Girl Scout troop fund raising levels."
Potus put his hand over the mouthpiece and whispered, "Get me the First Lady." The Chief of Staff ran off to find her.
"No, ma'am," Potus answered after listening some more. "I think you should tell Mrs. Bradley I don't think that's very American of her. No one should have their rights restricted in terms of number of boxes sold and what kind of cookies to offer."
"Yes, ma'am" he answered again. "All right, ma'am, put me down for two boxes of the Thin Mints then. All right. All right."
The First Lady entered, and Potus waved her over. She sniffed the air and made a screwed up face at the smell. Potus waved her over more desperately.
"Yes ma'am," Potus continued. "Well, I have to go attend some important business. Here's the First Lady, I'm sure she'll help you. Yes. Yes. Yes, ma'am. You too. Ok, then. Yes. Yes. Ok, thanks." Potus finally handed the phone to his wife and he left quickly with the Chief of Staff.
June 23
Meanwhile in the House Chambers,
At approximately 8:30 pm, the members of the House have gathered in their seats for the joint session. [10] Then, the Deputy Sergeant at Arms addresses the Speaker and loudly announces the Vice President and members of the Senate, who enter and take the seats assigned for them. [10] The Speaker, and then the Vice President, specify the members of the House and Senate, respectively, who will escort the President into the House chamber. [10] The Deputy Sergeant at Arms addresses the Speaker again and loudly announces, in order, the Dean of the Diplomatic Corps, the Chief Justice of the United States and the Associate Justices, and the Cabinet, each of whom enters and takes their seats when called. [10] The justices take the seats nearest to the Speaker's rostrum and adjacent to the sections reserved for the Cabinet and the members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. [11] Just after 9 pm, as the President reaches the door to the chamber, [12] House Sergeant at Arms stands just inside the doors, facing the Speaker and waiting for the President to be ready to enter the chamber. [11] When he is ready, the Sergeant at Arms announces his presence, loudly stating the phrase: "Mister Speaker, the President of the United States!" [12] As applause and cheering begins, the President slowly walks toward the Speaker's rostrum, followed by members of his Congressional escort committee. [12] The President's approach is slowed by pausing to shake hands, hug, kiss, and autograph copies of his speech for Members of Congress. [11] After he takes his place at the House Clerk's desk, [12] he hands two manila envelopes previously placed on the desk and containing copies of his address to the Speaker and Vice President. After continuing applause from the attendees has diminished, the Speaker introduces the President to the Representatives and Senators, stating: "Members of Congress, I have the high privilege and distinct honor of presenting to you the President of the United States." [11][12] This leads to a further round of applause and, eventually, the beginning of the address by the President. [12]
From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/State_of_the_Union_address/ retrieved October, 2012
Everything went smoothly, just as Wikipedia described it, except that the news censors had to bleep out the Speaker who muttered something like, "...President of the United States, asshole motherfucker." The lip readers who usually pay attention to such things were fooled because the Speaker smiled broadly throughout the muttering like a amateur ventriloquist.
"Dear my fellow Americans," began Potus grandly as the applause died down after the introductions. Someone in the back of the chambers snickered.
"What's wrong?" They answered in unison, arriving.
"He's shit his pants, the old goat," said Potus.
"I have not," said the House Majority leader. "I've spilt my colostemy bag."
"Oh, God," said Potus, covering his nose and mouth. "It smells like rotting fish inside a dead venison carcass."
"I disagree," said Johnson, trying not to gag. "It smells like sourdough after it's turned and the yeast have expired."
The Chief of Staff sniffed thoughtfully. "Hmm," he said. "I think it's more like the Senator needs to eat more vegetables. Less steaks, leaner cuts of meat like chicken, and definitely more greens for iron."
"Get him the fuck out of here," exclaimed Potus waving and retreating behind his desk.
Johnson spoke into his wrist and three agents appeared. They each took a corner of the chair the Senator sat in and carried him out tipping precariously.
"How did it go?" asked the Cheif of Staff after the room had aired out slightly.
"Like shit," said Potus.
"No, other than the incident with the colostemy bag. Regarding the budget crisis?"
"Ah, yes, the budget crisis." said Potus. "We'll see about that."
Potus turned suddenly and started a new subject. "Let's call a joint session of Congress. We'll get them together in one room and we'll give them a speech. I'm known for my speeches. In fact, the whole Office has been known for its speeches. We'll give them something they can rally around and the whole nation's balance of powers will be balanced once again. This time, hopefully, with me in control."
The Chief of Staff had taken off his glasses while Potus spoke and was polishing them. "Sir, It's not quite that easy. You have to be formally invited."
"Good," answered Potus. "Formally invite me."
The Chief of Staff paled and polished his glasses more vigourously. He said, "That's not up to me, Sir. It's up to the Speaker of the House. I don't think he likes us."
Potus frowned. "Hmm, that is bad. Tell him we'll cut a deal." Potus snapped his fingers. "Tell him we'll release those pictures of that poor lovesick Capybara."
The Chief of Staff said, "Well, I don't think that's wise..."
"Of course it's wise," snapped Potus. "A word to the wise is sufficient. I am sufficient."
Just then, the decorative phone rang.
Potus stared at it. The phone rang again.
"Well, go on," prompted Potus to the Chief of Staff.
The phone rang again. The Chief of Staff put on his glasses and picked up the phone. "Office of the Staff of the President," he said timidly.
The Chief of Staff listened for a while, then handed the receiver to Potus. "It's for you," he said in a stage whisper.
Potus looked annoyed. "Hello?" he said. "This is he," he answered after a short pause. He listened for a few minutes.
"No, I don't want to buy any Girl Scout cookies. Look, how did you get this number?" He paused, listening. "No, ma'am, the federal government does not deal with regional affairs like Girl Scout troop fund raising levels."
Potus put his hand over the mouthpiece and whispered, "Get me the First Lady." The Chief of Staff ran off to find her.
"No, ma'am," Potus answered after listening some more. "I think you should tell Mrs. Bradley I don't think that's very American of her. No one should have their rights restricted in terms of number of boxes sold and what kind of cookies to offer."
"Yes, ma'am" he answered again. "All right, ma'am, put me down for two boxes of the Thin Mints then. All right. All right."
The First Lady entered, and Potus waved her over. She sniffed the air and made a screwed up face at the smell. Potus waved her over more desperately.
"Yes ma'am," Potus continued. "Well, I have to go attend some important business. Here's the First Lady, I'm sure she'll help you. Yes. Yes. Yes, ma'am. You too. Ok, then. Yes. Yes. Ok, thanks." Potus finally handed the phone to his wife and he left quickly with the Chief of Staff.
June 23
Meanwhile in the House Chambers,
At approximately 8:30 pm, the members of the House have gathered in their seats for the joint session. [10] Then, the Deputy Sergeant at Arms addresses the Speaker and loudly announces the Vice President and members of the Senate, who enter and take the seats assigned for them. [10] The Speaker, and then the Vice President, specify the members of the House and Senate, respectively, who will escort the President into the House chamber. [10] The Deputy Sergeant at Arms addresses the Speaker again and loudly announces, in order, the Dean of the Diplomatic Corps, the Chief Justice of the United States and the Associate Justices, and the Cabinet, each of whom enters and takes their seats when called. [10] The justices take the seats nearest to the Speaker's rostrum and adjacent to the sections reserved for the Cabinet and the members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. [11] Just after 9 pm, as the President reaches the door to the chamber, [12] House Sergeant at Arms stands just inside the doors, facing the Speaker and waiting for the President to be ready to enter the chamber. [11] When he is ready, the Sergeant at Arms announces his presence, loudly stating the phrase: "Mister Speaker, the President of the United States!" [12] As applause and cheering begins, the President slowly walks toward the Speaker's rostrum, followed by members of his Congressional escort committee. [12] The President's approach is slowed by pausing to shake hands, hug, kiss, and autograph copies of his speech for Members of Congress. [11] After he takes his place at the House Clerk's desk, [12] he hands two manila envelopes previously placed on the desk and containing copies of his address to the Speaker and Vice President. After continuing applause from the attendees has diminished, the Speaker introduces the President to the Representatives and Senators, stating: "Members of Congress, I have the high privilege and distinct honor of presenting to you the President of the United States." [11][12] This leads to a further round of applause and, eventually, the beginning of the address by the President. [12]
From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/State_of_the_Union_address/ retrieved October, 2012
Everything went smoothly, just as Wikipedia described it, except that the news censors had to bleep out the Speaker who muttered something like, "...President of the United States, asshole motherfucker." The lip readers who usually pay attention to such things were fooled because the Speaker smiled broadly throughout the muttering like a amateur ventriloquist.
"Dear my fellow Americans," began Potus grandly as the applause died down after the introductions. Someone in the back of the chambers snickered.
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