"Dear my fellow Americans," Potus began and someone in the back of the Chamber snickered.
Potus paused, moved his shoulders and began again. "My dear fellow Americans, we are gathered on this special occasion to discuss a matter of importance to all of us. The recent spate over funding for government budgets has caused us to enter a government shutdown. The Office of the President has had to cut expenses by over two thirds and a great many hard working every people have had to stay home instead of do the work they love to do each day.
"Many from my own personal staff were laid off and a lot of them had families and pets and children to feed. They pay their taxes and they work hard every day, just like you and I do. Why should they be sacrificed over the vagaries and whims of a few hundred brats in a large auditorium?" Some shuffling of feet and light booing could be heard.
Potus continued, "I had to personally guarantee the salary of some of my most trusted and loyal staff so they could stay near me and take care of me. My maid, Shaniqua," Potus said and pointed up to the guest gallery where Shaniqua sat resplendent in her African finery. Potus waved and smiled while Shaniqua ignored him and soaked in the attention.
Potus continued, "And my personal chef, Monsier DeCul." The camera and audience panned left to observe the chef in his whites and chef's hat.
After the applause had died down from these introductions Potus said, "I mention these Americans because I am reminded of why we are so successful in America. I am reminded of the promise that if you work hard and pay your bills on time, you can have a nice job and spend some money on the weekend to do fun thing for yourself and your friends or family."
Potus smoothed out the pages on his speech and folded his hands. "I am reminded of a conversation I had just the other day with Mrs. Beverly and her neighbour Mrs. Hatchley. Their daughters, aged 8 and 9 were fast friends and often played together. They are girl scouts in the same troop. Mrs. Beverly runs troop 97 as if these young hens were her own brood. They organise outings, sew on badges, take pledges and do everything that normal American hard working middle class families do.
"Ah, but Mrs. Hatchley thought that the amount of girl scout cookies they sold wasn't enough to win the first place prize for their district. You see, although troop 97 regularly won the top sales amounts each year, the troop from across town, troop 144, was slowly gaining ground. Troop 144 was selling a different mix of flavours than troop 97 and this was showing a slight edge in the revenues for their sales each year. Mrs. Hatchley rightly figured out that the ratio of cookie orders needed to be changed in order to appeal more efficiently to the rising obesity and diabetic crisis in America.
"However, Mrs. Beverly did not want to change the successful methods that had served her and her troop for the last 19 years."
Potus raised his folded hands to display how they interlocked. "How did they overcome their differences?" Potus separated his hands, spreading his fingers slightly. "They simply held their hands and prayed together like Americans have done since the dawn of time." Potus grasped his hands together tightly. "They prayed about it, and they called the one man who could solve their situation. The Presient of the United States of America."
The entire chamber leapt to their feet as one. The applause was thunderous and continued for some time. Potus beamed.
Potus eventually raised his hands for quiet. "Now let us all together, right now, join hands and pray." He reached next to him and grabbed the Vice President's hand. The Vice President in turn grabbed the Speaker's hand, who at first batted it away and made a face. However, the Speaker soon saw that it was futile and everyone in the Chamber was holding hands. He reluctantly joined hands with the Vice President.
Potus closed his eyes and bowed his head. "Dear God, we come to You tonight to ask You to forgive us for our bickering. You know that we are good people, good Americans, and that we are just and fair in our actions and thoughts. You see our hard work every day and You reward us with Your bounty. God, we ask that You help us break through the bureaucratic nightmare of legislation and free us from the tyranny of taking off our shoes at the airport TSA checkpoints. We also ask that You help us in our binanual struggles with the timezones and changing our clocks. We know that it was never Your plan to have daylight savings on Sundays during Your day of worship, and we beg Your forgiveness. Please help us get rid of these timezones and set us free to spend more time worshipping You.
"Finally Lord, we ask that You forgive us for stopping your glorious government and refusing to disperse money to fund the paychecks and benefits of Your sheep and flock who are under my command temporarily. In Your name," here Potus paused for everyone to join him, "Amen."
"Amen," Potus said and raised his hands to heaven while the applause thundered through the chamber.
Potus paused, moved his shoulders and began again. "My dear fellow Americans, we are gathered on this special occasion to discuss a matter of importance to all of us. The recent spate over funding for government budgets has caused us to enter a government shutdown. The Office of the President has had to cut expenses by over two thirds and a great many hard working every people have had to stay home instead of do the work they love to do each day.
"Many from my own personal staff were laid off and a lot of them had families and pets and children to feed. They pay their taxes and they work hard every day, just like you and I do. Why should they be sacrificed over the vagaries and whims of a few hundred brats in a large auditorium?" Some shuffling of feet and light booing could be heard.
Potus continued, "I had to personally guarantee the salary of some of my most trusted and loyal staff so they could stay near me and take care of me. My maid, Shaniqua," Potus said and pointed up to the guest gallery where Shaniqua sat resplendent in her African finery. Potus waved and smiled while Shaniqua ignored him and soaked in the attention.
Potus continued, "And my personal chef, Monsier DeCul." The camera and audience panned left to observe the chef in his whites and chef's hat.
After the applause had died down from these introductions Potus said, "I mention these Americans because I am reminded of why we are so successful in America. I am reminded of the promise that if you work hard and pay your bills on time, you can have a nice job and spend some money on the weekend to do fun thing for yourself and your friends or family."
Potus smoothed out the pages on his speech and folded his hands. "I am reminded of a conversation I had just the other day with Mrs. Beverly and her neighbour Mrs. Hatchley. Their daughters, aged 8 and 9 were fast friends and often played together. They are girl scouts in the same troop. Mrs. Beverly runs troop 97 as if these young hens were her own brood. They organise outings, sew on badges, take pledges and do everything that normal American hard working middle class families do.
"Ah, but Mrs. Hatchley thought that the amount of girl scout cookies they sold wasn't enough to win the first place prize for their district. You see, although troop 97 regularly won the top sales amounts each year, the troop from across town, troop 144, was slowly gaining ground. Troop 144 was selling a different mix of flavours than troop 97 and this was showing a slight edge in the revenues for their sales each year. Mrs. Hatchley rightly figured out that the ratio of cookie orders needed to be changed in order to appeal more efficiently to the rising obesity and diabetic crisis in America.
"However, Mrs. Beverly did not want to change the successful methods that had served her and her troop for the last 19 years."
Potus raised his folded hands to display how they interlocked. "How did they overcome their differences?" Potus separated his hands, spreading his fingers slightly. "They simply held their hands and prayed together like Americans have done since the dawn of time." Potus grasped his hands together tightly. "They prayed about it, and they called the one man who could solve their situation. The Presient of the United States of America."
The entire chamber leapt to their feet as one. The applause was thunderous and continued for some time. Potus beamed.
Potus eventually raised his hands for quiet. "Now let us all together, right now, join hands and pray." He reached next to him and grabbed the Vice President's hand. The Vice President in turn grabbed the Speaker's hand, who at first batted it away and made a face. However, the Speaker soon saw that it was futile and everyone in the Chamber was holding hands. He reluctantly joined hands with the Vice President.
Potus closed his eyes and bowed his head. "Dear God, we come to You tonight to ask You to forgive us for our bickering. You know that we are good people, good Americans, and that we are just and fair in our actions and thoughts. You see our hard work every day and You reward us with Your bounty. God, we ask that You help us break through the bureaucratic nightmare of legislation and free us from the tyranny of taking off our shoes at the airport TSA checkpoints. We also ask that You help us in our binanual struggles with the timezones and changing our clocks. We know that it was never Your plan to have daylight savings on Sundays during Your day of worship, and we beg Your forgiveness. Please help us get rid of these timezones and set us free to spend more time worshipping You.
"Finally Lord, we ask that You forgive us for stopping your glorious government and refusing to disperse money to fund the paychecks and benefits of Your sheep and flock who are under my command temporarily. In Your name," here Potus paused for everyone to join him, "Amen."
"Amen," Potus said and raised his hands to heaven while the applause thundered through the chamber.
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