"No more Pacific Northwest calls," he said icily. "Let's see, Champlain, go ahead."
A young man appeared. "I'd like to know what you plan on doing about genocide around the world and what steps America can take to address this problem."
Potus rolled his eyes. "I suppose you're in college, son?"
"Yes Sir," said Champlain brightening visibly.
"I can tell. Let me tell you son, all that fancy learning doesn't amount to a hill of beans if you don't have some common sense. All they teach you in your fancy college classes is how to protest some obscure nonsense in some place no one in their right mind would live. If people are killing you, guess what? You leave. That was easy. What other kinds of problems can I solve today?"
Champlain protested, "But Mr. President, in Darfur..."
"Mr. President... wah wah wah," Potus mocked. Champlain disappeared from the screen. "Next up, Beaverton, wait really? I said no Pacific Northwest. I'm not going to talk to beaver town. 1-800-NO-BEAVERS. Go to the next one. Next up, Cleveland" here Potus began imitating a soccer announcer "Ohhhh Hiiii Ohhhhh!"
A round faced bald man stared out from the screen. "Hello," Cleveland said.
"Pleased to meet you," said Potus.
"Ayup," said Cleveland.
"Let meal you a question," said Potus leaning forward. Cleveland nodded. "Let me ask a personal question."
"Shoot," said Cleveland.
"Bang!" said Potus, quick-drawing a gun hand. They both chuckled. Potus continued, "Are all the professors in Ohio outstanding in their fields?"
Cleveland raised a hand to his head and rubbed it. "Yeah, I reckon they do."
"Good enough then," said Potus, motioning for another location. "Citizens in Oklahoma City, what do you have to say?"
A young woman appeared. "Mr. President, I am a teacher here at Putnam elementary, and I'm worried about budget cuts that affect my job and our children. What kinds of promises can you make our children?"
Potus answered, "Well, first of all, as you know, the federal government has no jurisdiction in education according to the constitution, and I'm only really sticking to the bare bones of what it says, as I took the oath do so. That said, Congress tries to bribe the states into doing things by giving the states money. Then like my evil step mother-in-law Martha -- may she rest in peace God bless her ugly soul -- they try to control you." Potus made a cupping motion with his hand, then squeezed the empty air in it.
Potus continued, "So if, say, California budgets fifty billion dollars for education and Congress gives them ten billion dollars, then they'll raise another thirty billion from the super Powerball Lottery and spend thirty billion on salaries and pensions for retired teachers. Forty billion will be spent to cover deficits for pet tree projects. The the other thirty billion will be spent on salaries and pensions for retired state workers. The actual students get zero. Teachers spend an average of five hours in class, three and a half actually doing course work with students. That's dictated by their union thugs. So the best thing to do is break up the unions, fire the bureaucratic administrators and start teaching students again."
Potus paused. "Of course, the federal government can't do that, so never mind. Next, Tucson."
A young latino man looked out from the screen. "Sir, your comments about undocumented students in colleges was anti-immigration and vitriolic. What do you intend to do about these hard working Americans?"
Potus was annoyed. "Are you sure you're a citizen? They're supposed to check ID..."
Tucson jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "They checked my passport," he said defiantly.
"I wonder why you have a passport? Probably to visit your parents in Mexico. Anyway, the fact is that college students don't do anything other than protest, drink and smoke drugs. So what if a few of the illegal ones get deported? They'll just go to college in Mexico and protest down there. But don't smoke dope down there," Potus warned. "The police down there will shoot you. Love it or leave it, fancy college boy."
A young man appeared. "I'd like to know what you plan on doing about genocide around the world and what steps America can take to address this problem."
Potus rolled his eyes. "I suppose you're in college, son?"
"Yes Sir," said Champlain brightening visibly.
"I can tell. Let me tell you son, all that fancy learning doesn't amount to a hill of beans if you don't have some common sense. All they teach you in your fancy college classes is how to protest some obscure nonsense in some place no one in their right mind would live. If people are killing you, guess what? You leave. That was easy. What other kinds of problems can I solve today?"
Champlain protested, "But Mr. President, in Darfur..."
"Mr. President... wah wah wah," Potus mocked. Champlain disappeared from the screen. "Next up, Beaverton, wait really? I said no Pacific Northwest. I'm not going to talk to beaver town. 1-800-NO-BEAVERS. Go to the next one. Next up, Cleveland" here Potus began imitating a soccer announcer "Ohhhh Hiiii Ohhhhh!"
A round faced bald man stared out from the screen. "Hello," Cleveland said.
"Pleased to meet you," said Potus.
"Ayup," said Cleveland.
"Let meal you a question," said Potus leaning forward. Cleveland nodded. "Let me ask a personal question."
"Shoot," said Cleveland.
"Bang!" said Potus, quick-drawing a gun hand. They both chuckled. Potus continued, "Are all the professors in Ohio outstanding in their fields?"
Cleveland raised a hand to his head and rubbed it. "Yeah, I reckon they do."
"Good enough then," said Potus, motioning for another location. "Citizens in Oklahoma City, what do you have to say?"
A young woman appeared. "Mr. President, I am a teacher here at Putnam elementary, and I'm worried about budget cuts that affect my job and our children. What kinds of promises can you make our children?"
Potus answered, "Well, first of all, as you know, the federal government has no jurisdiction in education according to the constitution, and I'm only really sticking to the bare bones of what it says, as I took the oath do so. That said, Congress tries to bribe the states into doing things by giving the states money. Then like my evil step mother-in-law Martha -- may she rest in peace God bless her ugly soul -- they try to control you." Potus made a cupping motion with his hand, then squeezed the empty air in it.
Potus continued, "So if, say, California budgets fifty billion dollars for education and Congress gives them ten billion dollars, then they'll raise another thirty billion from the super Powerball Lottery and spend thirty billion on salaries and pensions for retired teachers. Forty billion will be spent to cover deficits for pet tree projects. The the other thirty billion will be spent on salaries and pensions for retired state workers. The actual students get zero. Teachers spend an average of five hours in class, three and a half actually doing course work with students. That's dictated by their union thugs. So the best thing to do is break up the unions, fire the bureaucratic administrators and start teaching students again."
Potus paused. "Of course, the federal government can't do that, so never mind. Next, Tucson."
A young latino man looked out from the screen. "Sir, your comments about undocumented students in colleges was anti-immigration and vitriolic. What do you intend to do about these hard working Americans?"
Potus was annoyed. "Are you sure you're a citizen? They're supposed to check ID..."
Tucson jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "They checked my passport," he said defiantly.
"I wonder why you have a passport? Probably to visit your parents in Mexico. Anyway, the fact is that college students don't do anything other than protest, drink and smoke drugs. So what if a few of the illegal ones get deported? They'll just go to college in Mexico and protest down there. But don't smoke dope down there," Potus warned. "The police down there will shoot you. Love it or leave it, fancy college boy."
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