July 7
Meanwhile at exactly 10 am Eastern Daylight Saving Time, Potus entered the east room and walked up to the podium.
"Dear my fellow Americans, British brothers, and world citizens. I am announcing with a sad heart and heavy mind that the British Prime Minster has met an untimely end at Camp David in an unfortunate accident involving the fireworks show celebrating American Independence. There are no words to express my feelings of loss and sadness at his passing, so I will not even try to speak them. A thorough investingation by the best forensic teams in the world has shown that this accident was partially caused by high levels of intoxication and the actions of some rogue paparazzi. The Prime Minister was enjoying some alcoholic beverages when a team of paparazzi low-lifes asked him for a photograph. If the paparazzi had not chased the Prime Minister on foot, he would not have entered an unsafe area near the fireworks show, where he was set on fire.
"It is ironic that his death follows on the holiest holiday in American celebrations, our separation from the rule of the United Kingdom. However, we join the countries around the world in mourning his trajic passing. We extend our most sincere and heartfelt condolences to the people of the United Kingdom and South Ireland. The British Prime Minister was not just a personal friend and colleague he was also a great person who told jokes and loved to laugh at funny things. I'll always remember that about him at his passing.
"I spoke with the Queen, her majesty, and some members of her privy council who will begin the difficult process of choosing a new Prime Minister from the House of Commons. Like America, they celebrate the orderly succession of government under the rule of law and with the involvement of the people in a great democracy.
"Let us know have a moment of silence while the cameras cut away to show scenes of flowers being laid around the door of 10 Downing Street where the Prime Minister lived."
Potus bowed his head and waited a few moments. He turned his head slightly to look to his left and winked at the Chief of Staff who gave him the thumb-up sign. The monitor on one side showed the news clips of people placing flower bouquets and llighting candles in front of Big Ben and at 10 Downing street. The producer in front of him counted down silently on his fingers: 5, 4, 3, 2...
"Now, although the painful business of grieving must continue, I would like to also use this opportunity to discuss a major breakthrough in Congress. I've reached an agreement to end the budgetary blockages and the government shutdown that has whittled down my staff and cut off funding to the executive branch of the Government. I think it's clear that these recent events show that the Office of the President must be well staffed and protected from all that is evil and bad in the world.
"Congress has agreed to continue funding the government budgets and I have agreed to sign into law the first bill of my tenure. I am pleased to announce that we will be abolishing the current bureaucratic nightmare that are timezones and the awful atrocity that is Dayling Saving Time. Beginning March 22nd of next year, the United States will be standardising on a 14 timezone system that will be based on selecting 10-minute increments of time adjustments based on even or odd longitudes and clocks will be adjusted within each zone according to an easy-to-remember set of rules.
"These rules will be announced and finalised, but they are very simple to remember and easy to implement. No longer will you have to set your clock ahead or back by one hour. You will be able to set your clocks ahead by only 10 minutes up to 8 times a year, depending on where you live. Some states have more time changes than others. Some longitudes will have different increments. But overall, the system will work exceedingly well and even better than the one that we have now.
"More importantly, this new system of timezones will save lives, energy, and that most precious commodity, daylight. It will end confusion about which timezone and offset each state uses because this law provides for a central web site that will hold all the current information on what time it is in various locations. Let's say that you want to schedule a meeting two weeks from now to meet with several team members from different parts of our nation. You would log in your computer and go to 'double-u double-u double-u dot what time is it going to be dot com' to find out. On that computer web site, you would find all the different locations and timezones for each team member and you would be able to get federally approved timestamps for each meeting time.
"Canada, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and Alaskan timezones are not supported at this time. I am sure they will be added as we move forward.
"I will now sign this bill into law," Potus said and sat down to sign the bill. There was polite applause as Potus sat down at a table setup next to the podium and signed a blank sheet of paper four times. The blank sheets were for show; the real bill was still being printed down the street at the local print shop.
The producer yelled, "Cut! That's it, folks, we're off the air. Thanks, Potus."
Meanwhile at exactly 10 am Eastern Daylight Saving Time, Potus entered the east room and walked up to the podium.
"Dear my fellow Americans, British brothers, and world citizens. I am announcing with a sad heart and heavy mind that the British Prime Minster has met an untimely end at Camp David in an unfortunate accident involving the fireworks show celebrating American Independence. There are no words to express my feelings of loss and sadness at his passing, so I will not even try to speak them. A thorough investingation by the best forensic teams in the world has shown that this accident was partially caused by high levels of intoxication and the actions of some rogue paparazzi. The Prime Minister was enjoying some alcoholic beverages when a team of paparazzi low-lifes asked him for a photograph. If the paparazzi had not chased the Prime Minister on foot, he would not have entered an unsafe area near the fireworks show, where he was set on fire.
"It is ironic that his death follows on the holiest holiday in American celebrations, our separation from the rule of the United Kingdom. However, we join the countries around the world in mourning his trajic passing. We extend our most sincere and heartfelt condolences to the people of the United Kingdom and South Ireland. The British Prime Minister was not just a personal friend and colleague he was also a great person who told jokes and loved to laugh at funny things. I'll always remember that about him at his passing.
"I spoke with the Queen, her majesty, and some members of her privy council who will begin the difficult process of choosing a new Prime Minister from the House of Commons. Like America, they celebrate the orderly succession of government under the rule of law and with the involvement of the people in a great democracy.
"Let us know have a moment of silence while the cameras cut away to show scenes of flowers being laid around the door of 10 Downing Street where the Prime Minister lived."
Potus bowed his head and waited a few moments. He turned his head slightly to look to his left and winked at the Chief of Staff who gave him the thumb-up sign. The monitor on one side showed the news clips of people placing flower bouquets and llighting candles in front of Big Ben and at 10 Downing street. The producer in front of him counted down silently on his fingers: 5, 4, 3, 2...
"Now, although the painful business of grieving must continue, I would like to also use this opportunity to discuss a major breakthrough in Congress. I've reached an agreement to end the budgetary blockages and the government shutdown that has whittled down my staff and cut off funding to the executive branch of the Government. I think it's clear that these recent events show that the Office of the President must be well staffed and protected from all that is evil and bad in the world.
"Congress has agreed to continue funding the government budgets and I have agreed to sign into law the first bill of my tenure. I am pleased to announce that we will be abolishing the current bureaucratic nightmare that are timezones and the awful atrocity that is Dayling Saving Time. Beginning March 22nd of next year, the United States will be standardising on a 14 timezone system that will be based on selecting 10-minute increments of time adjustments based on even or odd longitudes and clocks will be adjusted within each zone according to an easy-to-remember set of rules.
"These rules will be announced and finalised, but they are very simple to remember and easy to implement. No longer will you have to set your clock ahead or back by one hour. You will be able to set your clocks ahead by only 10 minutes up to 8 times a year, depending on where you live. Some states have more time changes than others. Some longitudes will have different increments. But overall, the system will work exceedingly well and even better than the one that we have now.
"More importantly, this new system of timezones will save lives, energy, and that most precious commodity, daylight. It will end confusion about which timezone and offset each state uses because this law provides for a central web site that will hold all the current information on what time it is in various locations. Let's say that you want to schedule a meeting two weeks from now to meet with several team members from different parts of our nation. You would log in your computer and go to 'double-u double-u double-u dot what time is it going to be dot com' to find out. On that computer web site, you would find all the different locations and timezones for each team member and you would be able to get federally approved timestamps for each meeting time.
"Canada, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and Alaskan timezones are not supported at this time. I am sure they will be added as we move forward.
"I will now sign this bill into law," Potus said and sat down to sign the bill. There was polite applause as Potus sat down at a table setup next to the podium and signed a blank sheet of paper four times. The blank sheets were for show; the real bill was still being printed down the street at the local print shop.
The producer yelled, "Cut! That's it, folks, we're off the air. Thanks, Potus."
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