“Yes, thanks. Well.
Dear My Fellow Americans,” he began and there was some laughter behind
him. He looked over his shoulder,
smoothed his paper notes again, and continued.
“I am greatly
honoured to fulfil this position you have bestowed upon me. The Office of the President of the United
States is an unbroken chain of command extending back nearly three
centuries. The Office is greater than
any single man who occupies it. I
commend and encourage you to commend the former occupant and thank him for his
service to our great country.
“The Office of the
President is the source of a great deal of power in the world today. The United States is the greatest nation on
earth and will continue to be so for a long time. Upon taking this oath, I have accepted a
great responsibility to continue the greatness of this Office and our beloved
country. Our nation is currently at the
greatest levels of prosperity and health in recent history. We are currently free of all war conflicts in
the world and our economy is the strongest it has been since before smart
phones were invented.
“Now, however, we
are presented with a new challenge. The
challenge is to continue this era of peace and prosperity without really
fucking things up whoops…” Potus stopped suddenly and wiped his mouth with the
back of his gloved hand. He was
panicked. The teleprompter scrolled up:
KEEP
CALM
CARRY
ON
“That is, how do
we keep the whole ball of wax moving carefully and slowly? I mean, we are in peace and prosperity right
now, so how do we keep that up?” Potus
was scanning his notes but the letters were just a jumbled mess of scratches
that refused to join to form words. He
took a deep breath.
“Let’s say, for
example, that we’re in the kitchen. We
are cooking a great meal. Now Aunt
Martha comes in and asks us to cook some cabbage stew. Well, Martha is sweet and we want her to contribute,
but her cabbage stew smells horrible.
Horrible! So how do you tell her
that we have everything under control and we do not need more input on how to
run things? That’s the question posed to
us today. How do we keep Martha out of
the kitchen and in the living room where she belongs?
“There is a place
for everyone in this great country of ours.
And we need more great Americans to step up and fill crucial roles to fill
in the gaps that our nation faces. Our
nation faces challenges in science, literature, education and
infrastructure. The Constitution does
not tell us what to do about any of these challenges. We cannot simply look in a book somewhere to
find out how to fix our failing schools and crumbling roads. Who among us is going to pick up a shovel and
start digging asphalt?
“Do you know that
in some cities we have workers who go on strike and say that corporate America
is screwing them? Do you remember during
the great economic crisis of the early century that people stood around with
signs and fought the police? We cannot
put up with this behaviour anymore. If
you do not want to work, how about we fire your ass and you are sent home? If you don’t want to work for your slice of
American pie, maybe you should stay home and complain on the Internet.
“It’s time for
those who want to participate in this great country to get down to the business
of doing it. We are a great nation of
doers. We are action-biased. The word ‘Can’ is the last sound you hear
when someone calls our country’s great name.
We are americ-CANs, not ameri-CAN’Ts.
The whole world is afraid of us because we get out there in the middle
of the mess and we put our shoulders too the wheel and we do things. Do they like us? No, they do not, because they are jealous of
our doing.
“It’s easy to be
upset at America when you are living in some hell-hole like Uzbekistan. Where the fuck is that anyway? Anything with a “Stan” in the name is
suspect. We are the “Can” nation and
they are the “Stan” nations. We will
defend our way of life and keep our country running strong for years to come while
they try to figure out basics like electricity and cars.
“These foreign
countries want us to pay for all the carbon and excess that we supposedly
create but this is the basis for our advanced civilisation. We will not give in easily to their demands
for a clean environment and a reversal of global warming. If it is too hot in the hell-hole you live
in, try moving to the great country of Canada to the north. They also have some open space available in
Siberia. You will be welcome in those places
and you can wait for the planet’s temperature to rise enough for you to enjoy
living in those frigid wastelands.
“So, my fellow Americans, if you are seldom
saying discouraging words; if you long for the freedom of the deer and the
antelope; if you look up at the bright sun through cloudless skies, unlike this
frozen tundra here in the Capital, then will you join me in the continued strength
of this great nation? God bless you, and
God bless America!”
