Thursday, October 18, 2012

Potus, Camp David part I

July 4
Meanwhile, at Catoctin Mountain Park near Thurmont, Potus and the First Lady relaxed next to the pool.  Potus lay on the pool recliner in a tight blue Speedo with his arms behind his head.  His sunglasses glinted in the sun.
Potus sighed contented.  "Do you know," he said, "that Dwight Eisenhower, number 34 named this place?"
"Yes, dear," said the First Lady as she sunned herself.
"Dwight.  Such a patriot.  From our homeland of Kansas, no less.  This is the home on the range away from the range."
"Yes dear," said the First Lady.
"I feel like such a patriot, laying here in the sun in the summer heat, celebrating the birth of our dear nation."
The First Lady was silent.
"Ah, patriotism," sighed Potus.
The surface of the Nixon pool reflected the blue Maryland sky above.
"The sky is not as big here as it is on the range, of course," noted Potus.
"Yes dear," said the First Lady.
"All of the states combined probably could not approach the patriotism of the Kansas state all by itself," said Potus.
"What about Wyoming?" asked the First Lady.
"Wyoming is patriotic," Potus allowed.
A white tuxedoed butler appeared with a tray.  "Madam, Sir," said the waiter.  "Would you care for some refreshments?"
"Yes, please," said the First Lady.
"What's in it?" asked Potus, suspicious.
"Your favourite, sir, Yoohoo and carrot juice with a splash of Red Rooster," said the waiter.
"Wonderful," said Potus, sitting up and rubbing his hands with glee.
"Plenty of potassium for my big Potus boy," said the First Lady.
"Sparkling Cider for the lady President," said the waiter.
After they had taken their drinks from the waiter, he held the tray behind his back and announced, "I am to remind you that you are requested to join us for lunch with the Prime Minister of England and then go on a tour of the facilities together."
"What's for lunch," asked Potus, still suspicious.
"Sir, the chef has prepared _des chiens chaudes avec ketchup et moutard_ as you requested."
"Yes, chop chop," said Potus mockingly.
The First Lady made a disapproving noise.  "Thank you, butler, that is all."  She turned to Potus.  "How rude you are," she chided him.
Potus made a face.  "What?  I didn't want to bring the prime minister here.  This is the most patriotic day of the American calendar and we'll have to pretend not to enjoy ourselves so that it won't see like we're gloating over the whole revolution thing."
"You're making too big a deal of nothing," said the First Lady.  "What would David Dwight do?" she asked.
"Number 34 would grab his woman like this," Potus said, grabbing the First Lady's ample handles.
"Oh, Dwight," the First Lady shrieked, nearly spilling her drink.
"I've got you now, Mamie," said Dwight, affecting his best 1930's Eisenhower accent.
"Dwight," said Mamie in the best accent she could manage, "Why don't we retire to the boudoir once again?  I've brought my equipment with me."
"Not again," said Dwight, rubbing his wrists.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Potus, Confronting Congress, Part VI

"Amen," Potus said and raised his hands to heaven while the applause thundered through the chamber.

After a lenghty standing ovation, Potus finally spoke again.  "Thank you for that.  Now, we are all here together to unite in the American freedoms we enjoy so much."  Potus cracked his knuckles and people who knew him realised he was starting to go off-script.  "Some people have asked me why I continue to veto bills from Congress.  And the answer is simple, as I've stated before.  The Office of the President is supposed to balance the other powers.  Namely, the powers of the Legislative branch," Potus swept his arms in a wide circle, encompassing the whole chamber and nearly knocking his Vice President in the face.  "And the Judicial branch," Potus said while jabbing his finger at the Cheif Justices in the front row.  "And the People."

Potus nodded.  "That's right, the People of the United States are the fourth branch of the government.  They are not mentioned in the Constitution, except where it says, 'We the People."  Scattered applause sounded through the Chambers.  "'We the People, in order to form a more perfect Union', it says.  That's why the Office exists, to peform the will of the people in the balancing of the powers.

"Now, an office needs a man to fill it or there will just be some furniture and window dressings made by the beautiful First Lady," Potus nodded to his wife and polite applause filtered through the crowd.  "The office without a man is an empty room and the man without an office is just a homeless guy standing on the street corner."

"The people have elected me, I propose, because I need to be the defender of the land and execute the laws as they already exist, and to not create more laws that burthen our great nation with a huge  weight around its neck."  Half the Chamber's body rose and applauded loudly, the other half sat defiantly and scowled.

After the applause had died down, Potus continued.  "Let me tell you another story.  This story involves the spirit of the American people.  It embodies the greatness and the hard work of the spirit of America, just like the airplane that flew across the Atlantic and the Pacific.  This is the story of a hard working every boy born in a rural part of this great country.  He was named after the greatest office in the land, one that has held steady through the ages of this country's great existence, all the way back to the beginning of the dawn of time."

"This young boy grew up to be a young man, educated at the great Universitiy of Kansas.  He worked with dedication and long hours at his studies while the other students performed their sexual perversions and experiemented with drugs and rock music.  This hard working man grew up to be an older man who worked his way up the ladder at the famous Dundermire and Schmutzler firm and evntually became the governor of the great state of Kansas."

Potus wiped a small tear from the corner of his eye with the back of his hand and continued.  "This man was ridiculed for being named after the greatest office in the world; people told him he couldn't ever aspire to be the President.  They said, 'How can you be president when you're only the governor?'  But he persevered and held firm.  Eventually, he reached for the presidency and was rewarded by siezing his birthright and eventually becoming the office of the name that was given to him by his mother."

"Of course, that man is me.  My mother, on her deathbed, made me promise that I'd live up to my name.  She said, 'It's a fact they'll vote for someone named Potus, because every American prefers to vote their conscience and reelect the incumbant.'  She was a genius, God rest her soul."  The Chamber stood respectfully and applauded.

Potus raised his hand to stop the applause.  "Let that be a lesson for all great Americans to learn from.  In this country, we are free to fulfill our destiny if only we work hard enough and have the right name in life.  With a little luck and some good old elbow grease, we can accomplish anything.  God bless America."

The Chamber was once again filled with thunderous applause as Potus waved and made his way slowly down the aisle and out the door.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Potus, Confronting Congress Part IV

"Dear my fellow Americans," Potus began and someone in the back of the Chamber snickered.
Potus paused, moved his shoulders and began again.  "My dear fellow Americans, we are gathered on this special occasion to discuss a matter of importance to all of us.  The recent spate over funding for government budgets has caused us to enter a government shutdown.  The Office of the President has had to cut expenses by over two thirds and a great many hard working every people have had to stay home instead of do the work they love to do each day.
"Many from my own personal staff were laid off and a lot of them had families and pets and children to feed.  They pay their taxes and they work hard every day, just like you and I do.  Why should they be sacrificed over the vagaries and whims of a few hundred brats in a large auditorium?"  Some shuffling of feet and light booing could be heard.
Potus continued, "I had to personally guarantee the salary of some of my most trusted and loyal staff so they could stay near me and take care of me.  My maid, Shaniqua," Potus said and pointed up to the guest gallery where Shaniqua sat resplendent in her African finery.  Potus waved and smiled while Shaniqua ignored him and soaked in the attention.
Potus continued, "And my personal chef, Monsier DeCul."  The camera and audience panned left to observe the chef in his whites and chef's hat.
After the applause had died down from these introductions Potus said, "I mention these Americans because I am reminded of why we are so successful in America.  I am reminded of the promise that if you work hard and pay your bills on time, you can have a nice job and spend some money on the weekend to do fun thing for yourself and your friends or family."
Potus smoothed out the pages on his speech and folded his hands.  "I am reminded of a conversation I had just the other day with Mrs. Beverly and her neighbour Mrs. Hatchley.  Their daughters, aged 8 and 9 were fast friends and often played together.  They are girl scouts in the same troop.  Mrs. Beverly runs troop 97 as if these young hens were her own brood.  They organise outings, sew on badges, take pledges and do everything that normal American hard working middle class families do.
"Ah, but Mrs. Hatchley thought that the amount of girl scout cookies they sold wasn't enough to win the first place prize for their district.  You see, although troop 97 regularly won the top sales amounts each year, the troop from across town, troop 144, was slowly gaining ground.  Troop 144 was selling a different mix of flavours than troop 97 and this was showing a slight edge in the revenues for their sales each year.  Mrs. Hatchley rightly figured out that the ratio of cookie orders needed to be changed in order to appeal more efficiently to the rising obesity and diabetic crisis in America.
"However, Mrs. Beverly did not want to change the successful methods that had served her and her troop for the last 19 years."
Potus raised his folded hands to display how they interlocked.  "How did they overcome their differences?"  Potus separated his hands, spreading his fingers slightly.  "They simply held their hands and prayed together like Americans have done since the dawn of time."  Potus grasped his hands together tightly.  "They prayed about it, and they called the one man who could solve their situation.  The Presient of the United States of America."
The entire chamber leapt to their feet as one.  The applause was thunderous and continued for some time.  Potus beamed.
Potus eventually raised his hands for quiet.  "Now let us all together, right now, join hands and pray."  He reached next to him and grabbed the Vice President's hand.  The Vice President in turn grabbed the Speaker's hand, who at first batted it away and made a face.  However, the Speaker soon saw that it was futile and everyone in the Chamber was holding hands.  He reluctantly joined hands with the Vice President.
Potus closed his eyes and bowed his head.  "Dear God, we come to You tonight to ask You to forgive us for our bickering.  You know that we are good people, good Americans, and that we are just and fair in our actions and thoughts.  You see our hard work every day and You reward us with Your bounty.  God, we ask that You help us break through the bureaucratic nightmare of legislation and free us from the tyranny of taking off our shoes at the airport TSA checkpoints.  We also ask that You help us in our binanual struggles with the timezones and changing our clocks.  We know that it was never Your plan to have daylight savings on Sundays during Your day of worship, and we beg Your forgiveness.  Please help us get rid of these timezones and set us free to spend more time worshipping You.
"Finally Lord, we ask that You forgive us for stopping your glorious government and refusing to disperse money to fund the paychecks and benefits of Your sheep and flock who are under my command temporarily.  In Your name," here Potus paused for everyone to join him, "Amen."
"Amen," Potus said and raised his hands to heaven while the applause thundered through the chamber.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Potus, confronting Congress, Part III

He yelled out, "Chief of Staff.  Johnson, come in here!"
"What's wrong?" They answered in unison, arriving.
"He's shit his pants, the old goat," said Potus.
"I have not," said the House Majority leader.   "I've spilt my colostemy bag."
"Oh, God," said Potus, covering his nose and mouth.  "It smells like rotting fish inside a dead venison carcass."
"I disagree," said Johnson, trying not to gag.  "It smells like sourdough after it's turned and the yeast have expired."
The Chief of Staff sniffed thoughtfully.  "Hmm," he said.  "I think it's more like the Senator needs to eat more vegetables.  Less steaks, leaner cuts of meat like chicken, and definitely more greens for iron."
"Get him the fuck out of here," exclaimed Potus waving and retreating behind his desk.
Johnson spoke into his wrist and three agents appeared.  They each took a corner of the chair the Senator sat in and carried him out tipping precariously.
"How did it go?" asked the Cheif of Staff after the room had aired out slightly.
"Like shit," said Potus.
"No, other than the incident with the colostemy bag.  Regarding the budget crisis?"
"Ah, yes, the budget crisis." said Potus.  "We'll see about that."
Potus turned suddenly and started a new subject.  "Let's call a joint session of Congress.  We'll get them together in one room and we'll give them a speech.  I'm known for my speeches.  In fact, the whole Office has been known for its speeches.  We'll give them something they can rally around and the whole nation's balance of powers will be balanced once again.  This time, hopefully, with me in control."
The Chief of Staff had taken off his glasses while Potus spoke and was polishing them.  "Sir, It's not quite that easy.  You have to be formally invited."
"Good," answered Potus.  "Formally invite me."
The Chief of Staff paled and polished his glasses more vigourously.  He said, "That's not up to me, Sir.  It's up to the Speaker of the House.  I don't think he likes us."
Potus frowned.  "Hmm, that is bad.  Tell him we'll cut a deal."  Potus snapped his fingers.  "Tell him we'll release those pictures of that poor lovesick Capybara."
The Chief of Staff said,  "Well,  I don't think that's wise..."
"Of course it's wise," snapped Potus.  "A word to the wise is sufficient.  I am sufficient."
Just then, the decorative phone rang.
Potus stared at it. The phone rang again.
"Well, go on," prompted Potus to the Chief of Staff.
The phone rang again. The Chief of Staff put on his glasses and picked up the phone.  "Office of the Staff of the President," he said timidly.
The Chief of Staff listened for a while, then handed the receiver to Potus.  "It's for you," he said in a stage whisper.
Potus looked annoyed.  "Hello?" he said.  "This is he," he answered after a short pause.  He listened for a few minutes.
"No, I don't want to buy any Girl Scout cookies.  Look, how did you get this number?"  He paused, listening.  "No, ma'am, the federal government does not deal with regional affairs like Girl Scout troop fund raising levels."
Potus put his hand over the mouthpiece and whispered, "Get me the First Lady."  The Chief of Staff ran off to find her.
"No, ma'am," Potus answered after listening some more.  "I think you should tell Mrs. Bradley I don't think that's very American of her.  No one should have their rights restricted in terms of number of boxes sold and what kind of cookies to offer."
"Yes, ma'am" he answered again.  "All right, ma'am, put me down for two boxes of the Thin Mints then.  All right.  All right."
The First Lady entered, and Potus waved her over.  She sniffed the air and made a screwed up face at the smell.  Potus waved her over more desperately.
"Yes ma'am," Potus continued.  "Well, I have to go attend some important business.  Here's the First Lady, I'm sure she'll help you.  Yes.  Yes.  Yes, ma'am.  You too.  Ok, then.  Yes.  Yes.  Ok, thanks."  Potus finally handed the phone to his wife and he left quickly with the Chief of Staff.

June 23

Meanwhile in the House Chambers,

At approximately 8:30 pm, the members of the House have gathered in their seats for the joint session. [10] Then, the Deputy Sergeant at Arms addresses the Speaker and loudly announces the Vice President and members of the Senate, who enter and take the seats assigned for them. [10] The Speaker, and then the Vice President, specify the members of the House and Senate, respectively, who will escort the President into the House chamber. [10] The Deputy Sergeant at Arms addresses the Speaker again and loudly announces, in order, the Dean of the Diplomatic Corps, the Chief Justice of the United States and the Associate Justices, and the Cabinet, each of whom enters and takes their seats when called. [10] The justices take the seats nearest to the Speaker's rostrum and adjacent to the sections reserved for the Cabinet and the members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. [11] Just after 9 pm, as the President reaches the door to the chamber, [12] House Sergeant at Arms stands just inside the doors, facing the Speaker and waiting for the President to be ready to enter the chamber. [11] When he is ready, the Sergeant at Arms announces his presence, loudly stating the phrase: "Mister Speaker, the President of the United States!" [12] As applause and cheering begins, the President slowly walks toward the Speaker's rostrum, followed by members of his Congressional escort committee. [12] The President's approach is slowed by pausing to shake hands, hug, kiss, and autograph copies of his speech for Members of Congress. [11] After he takes his place at the House Clerk's desk, [12] he hands two manila envelopes previously placed on the desk and containing copies of his address to the Speaker and Vice President. After continuing applause from the attendees has diminished, the Speaker introduces the President to the Representatives and Senators, stating: "Members of Congress, I have the high privilege and distinct honor of presenting to you the President of the United States." [11][12] This leads to a further round of applause and, eventually, the beginning of the address by the President. [12]

From retrieved October, 2012 

Everything went smoothly, just as Wikipedia described it, except that the news censors had to bleep out the Speaker who muttered something like, "...President of the United States, asshole motherfucker." The lip readers who usually pay attention to such things were fooled because the Speaker smiled broadly throughout the muttering like a amateur ventriloquist.
"Dear my fellow Americans," began Potus grandly as the applause died down after the introductions. Someone in the back of the chambers snickered.

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