Confessions to the Wildman part i

Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

That's how it begins, alwasy the same. All have sinned and this is nothing new. All must admit their sin and confess in order for the sin to be absolved. He listens patiently each time.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned," he said.

"Yes," he answered to fill the gap in the ritual.

"It has been three years since my last confession."

"Go on, my son," he said. It was patronising but the masses liked it.

"I have committed fornication, adultery, and masturbation."

"God has given us the gift of sexuality so that we may procreate inside of marriage, my son," said the Wildman.

"Yes, Father. But I have done it irresponsibly and I was unable to conceive because I used prophylactics," the sinner said.

"Oh, that is bad. God does not like that," said the Wildman.

"Forgive me, Father. I should not be so blunt."

"No, my son," here the Wildman winced at the patronisation again but continued the ruse. "I am used to all of God's creatures sins and I appreciate the honesty."

"Bless me Father, I seek absolution," the sinner begged.

The Wildman intoned: "Say one hail Mary for each incident of masturbation. Count one rosary as well for each sexual liason with a condom. You can deduct any incidents of infidelity from conjugal procreative sex inside of marriage, up to and the including three years from the last confession. If the previous confession included incidents of infidelity, you cannot deduct those from the current procreative marital sex during the current sinful period, unless you have a carry-forward credit. The credit can only be used at the rate of one per month, or three per trimester if your wife was pregnant during the period in consideration."

"Thank you father. What about the gay stuff?" the sinner asked.

"Son, you did not mention gay stuff," said the Wildman wearily.

"I accidentally looked at some lesbian porn on my computer when I clicked a link in my email, I didn't know..."

"If it was an accident, you may say one hail Mary per three spam emails. If they were not accidents, but instead weakness of flesh, you will need to spend three days per incident offline, including usage of a cell phone."

"Father, that seems strict," complained the sinner.

"Not as strict as God will punish you if you have any mortal sins on your ledger during the calendar year of your death," answered the Wildman grimly.

"Thank you Father."

It has been six days since my last confession.

It's part of the ritual. The masses like rituals. They are comforting. The rituals pass time in a measured way. They remove monotony and alleviate boredome. They give something for the mind to project forward and look forward to. The rituals prepare for the inevitable consequences of death.

"Father, forgive me for I have sinned, it has been, like three months since I last talked to a priest," she said.

"Go ahead, my child," the Wildman answered. Giving permission is the power invested in him by the powers that be.

"Father, I'm an alcoholic, and I abuse medication," she says plainly.

"Medication, like the foul weed marijuana?" asks the Wildman.

"Yes, Father. I also took illegal drugs. Methamphetamines, heroin, MDMA, Ectasy, um, crack, cocaine, um, a few others. Downers, uppers, that kind of thing."

"God has created medicine to improve the life of his creation, not to destroy it, my child. You are lucky to be alive," said the Wildman.

"I know. I've been real lucky. I score a lot of drugs by being attractive and men give me shit. Sometimes I have to do stuff, but it's not so bad. Handjobs and the mouth. The feel my tits. Sometimes the ass. Like I said, not too bad."

"Child, the hand of the righteous do not perform sexual sin. The lips of the righteous do not spill the sacred seed of procreation. The touching is approved by God as it leads to procreation, but only in the safe confines of marriage."

"Yeah, I feel kinda bad about that," she admits wishing she were chewing gum so she could do more to work her jaws in her discomfort.

"The Lord will allow you to fill out a form detailing your medical uses and also your non-medicinal applications of drugs. You should decline to use any drugs that are recreational or destructive or non-medicinal for at least 90 days to cover the usage of the present confessional period. If you had previously confessed to drug use, you should double the length of abstainance to 180 days. You can also get future credits for the next relapse (God forbid) if you check in to a rehab clinic. I have some cards of Catholic-God approved resources for your use."

"Father, don't you think God wouldn't forgive my sins as they have such large impact on society and culture?"

"No, my child," answered the Wildman. The address fit this time and he did not feel any shame in using it. "God is more of a liberal pharmaceutical professional who does not judge the informed consent patient who applies medications for other-than-moral uses. Although birth control is right out."

"Um..."

"Oh dear. You've been on birth control?" asked the Wildman.

"Yes, Father. Forgive me! What if one of those assholes tried to rape me while I'm high on PCP or something? I gotta protect myself!"

"That is hard to forgive on God's behalf," admitted the Wildman. "In that case, God is still more of a fiscal conservative federalist and prefers that the local chapters below the Bishop level take care of problems like that. Although policy is set by the committe with the saints and Beloved Pope. So tread carefully."

"Thank you Father," she said and actually curtseyed like a child.

Father, I have taken confession from actors and liars and lawyers. I have taken confession from drug adicts, gamblers, and compulsive shoppers. I have spoken to fornicators, adulterers, sexual perverts, rapists, aborters, abortionists, and cross dressers. In short, sinners of every kind. None of it has infected my mind and I live a pure life. I confess regularly to absolve myself of any guilt. I live a clean and sin-free existence with up to three nines of accuracy.

"I do not hear any sin, my child," said the Wildman to soothe his confessor.

Father, it is this: when I listen to their stories of sin and awful mortal degregation, I am jealous.

"My child, that is normal. Pray to our Spiritual Father and he will surely write up a dispensation based on the blamelessness of your actions and the intent you hide in your heart. He can file that with the clerk and it will be processed in three to six weeks. You can expedite it with some hail Mary's and daily ablations."

Amen, Wildman.