"Ladies and gentlemen of the press," Potus began. "I use the terms lightly of course: few of you are ladies and even fewer of you are gentlemen." Some polite laughter flitted among the reporters. "This is our first press meeting and I'd like to keep it brief. As you know, I am the busiest leader of the free world so my time is very valuable. However I gladly share it with you. Politicians like me are rarely treated with respect but I ask that you treat me with respect. Politicians are people too. They’re just corrupt people who deserve respect. Um, I might have that wrong, but you get my drift. You there, you have a question?"
Later, during the cutbacks from Congress cutting off Potus' funding:
"Yes, Sir?" snapped the Head of Homeland Security chief suddenly awake and reading his notes. "We're well ahead of schedule to increase body scans and intrusive pat-downs. Nearly four trillion pairs of shoes have been inspected in the most successful security detail of all time," he said.
"Bullshit," said Potus. "Taking off shoes is bullshit. What is your department doing about cutbacks?"
"Cutbacks, Sir?"
"Yes, reductions, layoffs, forced retirement, no more internal office email. Things like that. I’d say we don’t need to look at the common every-persons’ shoes anymore. I mean, what kind of threat could a shoe produce?" asked Potus.
“A shoe could be very dangerous, as you know very well, Mr. President. Your eminence has even had one thrown at him recently,” said the head of Homeland Security.
“Don’t call me ‘your eminence’ you pansy,” said Potus.
The head of Homeland Security squirmed in his large leather chair. “Yes, Sir, your em… Sir,” he said.
“Anyway, you’re Quite right, I did have a shoe thrown at me as the office representitive.” said Potus. “But an Office is invulnerable to shoes. You can’t throw a shoe at an Office. I guess you could, technically. Not a glass office, of course. You shouldn’t throw shoes in a glass office. What Enough about that, what do you hope to find anyway, looking in at all those shoes?”
The head Head of Homeland Security paged through his notes. “Sir, I have a list here of threats we’ve recovered from shoes just last year. We protected the flying every-person from the following threats. Let’s see. 31,000 pounds of chewing gum, over 200,000 grams of tiny gravel and pebbles, um… fifteen pieces of very sharp broken glass. Let’s see. Well, let’s just say there were various other threats to passenger safety.”
“I’m not buying it,” frowned Potus. “We need to chop the deadweight and protecting people from little bits of gravel isn’t enough to justify the cost.”
And later in the same meeting:
Potus waved at his protest. "Just make sure you document all these threats and tell the Vice President to do his job over there in the House of Representatives. Make sure they keep these safety issues first and foremost in mind.
“Speaking of the House,” continued Potus, “the states have to cut back. We could chop some of the fat around this country. We have fifty states, for example. Do we need all fifty?” Potus looked around the conference room. No one spoke.
“I say we don’t need two Dakotas,” said Potus. “That’s one example. You don’t need a North and a South Dakota. You just have one. Instant savings!” Potus clapped to drive the point home.
“Sir,” began Chief of Staff, “we can’t just get rid of states. They’ll be upset about the cutbacks and they could threaten to leave the Union.”
“I hate Unions, as you know,” retorted Potus. “In any case, I’m just brain storming. Nobody else has good ideas here. How about the timezone problems? We really need to get rid of daylight saving! That’s quite a saving in itself. Imagine all the cutbacks we could avoid by not setting our clocks ahead and back two times a year.”
Chief of Staff spoke up. “Sir, two states already ignore daylight saving. Arizona and one other. I’m not sure.”
“New York,” said the Head of Homeland Security.
“New York?” asked Potus. “That’s a city.”
“It’s also a state,” said the Head of Homeland Security meekly.
“Well, that’s good. Arizona and New York City get medals. Let’s think of more ideas.”
The room was silent for a long while. A sound of paper ruffling was heard. Another sound of someone coughing politely into their fist was heard. A door opened somewhere out in the hall and people came in and went out beyond the door.
Potus finally spoke up. “Listen everybody. We need to have deep cutbacks. Everything should be on the table.”
“What if the table isn’t big enough, Sir?” asked the Chief of Staff.
“We’ll make a bigger table,” exclaimed the Labour Secretary.
"That’s the thinking I like! Meanwhile," Potus said, smirking and rubbing his hands together gleefully. "Meanwhile, it's time for some cutbacks here in the White House. I don't think we need so many maids and menservants do you?"
And at the end of the meeting:
Potus put his hands down. "Layoffs?" he prompted.
"Ah yes, layoffs. My favourite topic. When I was a young lady working under Number 40, we once had to..."
Potus raised his hands to stop her. "Ok, reduce staff by 60%. Got it. Someone write that down. Now,” said Potus standing to make his point. He leaned on the large wooden table with his fingers. “You’re either with me or against me. I need only the most loyal people following me. The times will get tough and I need people I can trust behind me. Anybody worried about their jobs, get the fuck out now.”
Several moments went by. Two staff members stood up and left quietly. A few more followed from the other end of the table. A group of six staffers suddenly got busy gathering up papers, books and briefcases. They filed out quietly.
“Good,” said Potus firmly. “What time is it?"
Everyone A few of the staffers and Cabinet members left in the room checked his or hertheir watches and their phones.
"12:45," said one.
"12:40," said another in quick succession.
"1:30," said a third down the table.
"Close enough," said Potus. "Time for lunch!"
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