May 22
Meanwhile in the Oval Office, Potus meets with the House Speaker.
Potus says, "Thanks for coming to see me. As you know, I desperately hate your guts. As much as it pains me to say so, I wish you would drop dead in a vat of acid."
"That's uncomfortable," noted the Speaker of the House. "I came here to discuss things civily, especially since we're from the same political party."
"Oh," said Potus. "I didn't realise that. How nice to meet you."
"Likewise. Now as you know, Sir, you've ignored our requests to come talk to you for the better part of a year. I think that is a grave disservice to the country and to the balance of powers in this great nation."
"Bullshit," coughed Potus into his hand.
"Sir,"
"Sir," mocked Potus.
"Don't do that."
"Don't do that," mocked Potus.
"I think you're giving short shrift to this process..."
"Shrift? What's a shrift and why is it short?"
"A shrift? It's, well, um, it's a unit of measure. Like inches or feet."
"I doubt it," said Potus.
"In any case, we'd like to discuss matters of importance for the nation regarding policy and budgets."
"I agree," said Potus. "As I said in my acceptance speech, I'll sign two bills: the budget required by the Constitution and one other of your choosing."
"Well, then, let's talk about the budget. What do you have in mind?"
"Take schools, for example. The federal government has no jurisdiction in education, so let's get rid of it. Refund the education budget back to the people and let them spend it as they see fit. People without children can subsidise those with children only by choice. People with children can short change their kids as they see fit. Everyone wins."
"But Sir," objected the Speaker of the House. "The schools will be in shambles if we do that."
"What's the difference?" asked Potus. "We can give them coupons or whatever for their schools."
"You mean vouchers?"
"Vouchers, coupons, whatever. It's a metaphor for money."
"Isn't that communism?"
"Well, sure," admitted Potus. "Communism is frightening to the average common every American. Communism represents order, planning, and organisation. That scares the beejesus out of good hardworking folks. And with good reason, because otherwise everyone has to wear the same shoes and the same clothes and sing Heil Hitler, Deutchland Uber Alles!"
"Sir..." objected the House Speaker
"Don't Sir me. I'm just getting started," Potus snapped. "And what about the time changes in the spring and winter? Nobody likes that. Just leave a little earlier to go to work. You don't have to change the clocks. What's the progress on that?"
"Sir, daylight savings is proven to save energy and it's good for the environment. Daylight savings saves lives and money."
"Bullshit," coughed Potus into his hand again.
"It's not bullshit."
"It is too."
"Is not."
"Is too bullshit."
"No it's not."
"Is is is, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!"
"Is not isn't isn't isn't."
"It is," said Potus. "It should be called Daylight Spending. It screws up my Sundays when I should be in church praying. I always wake up, wondering if it's really 9 o'clock or 10 o'clock. Who can live with that? If I'm in the bedroom and then go to the kitchen, it's suddenly an hour earlier. How is that possible? There's always one clock you can't remember to set and three months later you're driving in the car and you say, 'What the hell? I haven't even left home yet? Or is my clock wrong? I don't understand.' It's nonsense and it has to end."
"Fine, it won't get any support. But let's say that we could bring that bill forward. What would you be willing to offer as a rider?"
"A rider?" asked Potus.
"You know, some pork. Some grease." The Speaker of the House smiled mischeviously.
"A metaphor for money?"
"Exactly."
"No way. It's my way or the highway. Getting rid of Daylight Spending is its own reward."
"I don't follow," frowned the House Speaker.
"Never mind," said Potus. "Do it or don't, nobody cares. We spent a lot of time trying to come up with really good ways to say 'go fuck yourself' to Congress and I wanted to run those by you."
"Um..."
"Sit back relax. Here we go." said Potus, picking up a piece of paper and putting on his reading glasses. "Let's see. 'Go have sex with yourself', that's pretty basic. Not very imaginative. 'Go autonomously into coitus' I like that, but I don't know what it means. 'Go masturbate selfishly' you see because it's go fuck yourself by yourself."
"Sir," objected the House Speaker.
"No, hold on. They're getting better. We tested all of these and the audiences in the focus group loved them. 'Go auto fellatio upon your phallus', that's for the men, obviously. 'Henceforth conjugate thyself', a little to fancy schmancy for me. 'Forever auto copulate', again, dunno what that means. I'm sure it's bad, though."
"Um..."
Potus waved, annoyed. "'With thine ownself reproduce', kind of Shakespeareian don't you think? 'Put your own fork in your yoghurt,' that's questionable, because no one puts a fork in yoghurt. 'Spunk up your own junk', whatever."
"Do we really have to continue?"
Potus put down the paper and his glasses. "You see that we're really trying to say 'Screw off' as nicely and in as Christian a way as possible. That's just a sign of respect."
"I don't think so, Sir, with all due respect. That's just flattering someone by calling their beard bull semen."
"I've never heard that before, and I've used a lot of phrases," noted Potus. "Don't get upset or we'll get into a name calling contest and that won't do a short squat duck phlemn turd bucket like you any good."
"It's you who aren't any good, you filthy farm animal lover. You've clearly enjoyed the company of live stock a few times more than allowed by law in your state."
"Oh no you don't, you pig genital manipulator. You don't dare refer to the First Lady that way."
"You don't like it do you, Sir. The shoe has gone on the other foot now and it is uncomfortable because it's a left shoe on a right foot."
"No, sir, I do not like it one bit. Maybe if you didn't grant cunnilingus to rodent Capybara in the middle of the night, you'd be able to speak better."
"I've never even been to South America," screamed the Speaker of the House. "And another thing, you sick bastard. How do you even know what a Capybara is? There's no way someone could have figured that out without some insider knowledge." He rose from his seat.
Potus stood up as well behind his desk. "Ha, I don't need any insider knowledge. I'm the man on the inside. I'm an office. I have executive powers of observation. I'm able to discern what the people of America need me to see. I'm chosen above all others to lead."
Johnson came in with the Chief of Staff. Potus motioned him over. "Johnson, remove this House Speaker before I do harm to him."
Meanwhile in the Oval Office, Potus meets with the House Speaker.
Potus says, "Thanks for coming to see me. As you know, I desperately hate your guts. As much as it pains me to say so, I wish you would drop dead in a vat of acid."
"That's uncomfortable," noted the Speaker of the House. "I came here to discuss things civily, especially since we're from the same political party."
"Oh," said Potus. "I didn't realise that. How nice to meet you."
"Likewise. Now as you know, Sir, you've ignored our requests to come talk to you for the better part of a year. I think that is a grave disservice to the country and to the balance of powers in this great nation."
"Bullshit," coughed Potus into his hand.
"Sir,"
"Sir," mocked Potus.
"Don't do that."
"Don't do that," mocked Potus.
"I think you're giving short shrift to this process..."
"Shrift? What's a shrift and why is it short?"
"A shrift? It's, well, um, it's a unit of measure. Like inches or feet."
"I doubt it," said Potus.
"In any case, we'd like to discuss matters of importance for the nation regarding policy and budgets."
"I agree," said Potus. "As I said in my acceptance speech, I'll sign two bills: the budget required by the Constitution and one other of your choosing."
"Well, then, let's talk about the budget. What do you have in mind?"
"Take schools, for example. The federal government has no jurisdiction in education, so let's get rid of it. Refund the education budget back to the people and let them spend it as they see fit. People without children can subsidise those with children only by choice. People with children can short change their kids as they see fit. Everyone wins."
"But Sir," objected the Speaker of the House. "The schools will be in shambles if we do that."
"What's the difference?" asked Potus. "We can give them coupons or whatever for their schools."
"You mean vouchers?"
"Vouchers, coupons, whatever. It's a metaphor for money."
"Isn't that communism?"
"Well, sure," admitted Potus. "Communism is frightening to the average common every American. Communism represents order, planning, and organisation. That scares the beejesus out of good hardworking folks. And with good reason, because otherwise everyone has to wear the same shoes and the same clothes and sing Heil Hitler, Deutchland Uber Alles!"
"Sir..." objected the House Speaker
"Don't Sir me. I'm just getting started," Potus snapped. "And what about the time changes in the spring and winter? Nobody likes that. Just leave a little earlier to go to work. You don't have to change the clocks. What's the progress on that?"
"Sir, daylight savings is proven to save energy and it's good for the environment. Daylight savings saves lives and money."
"Bullshit," coughed Potus into his hand again.
"It's not bullshit."
"It is too."
"Is not."
"Is too bullshit."
"No it's not."
"Is is is, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!"
"Is not isn't isn't isn't."
"It is," said Potus. "It should be called Daylight Spending. It screws up my Sundays when I should be in church praying. I always wake up, wondering if it's really 9 o'clock or 10 o'clock. Who can live with that? If I'm in the bedroom and then go to the kitchen, it's suddenly an hour earlier. How is that possible? There's always one clock you can't remember to set and three months later you're driving in the car and you say, 'What the hell? I haven't even left home yet? Or is my clock wrong? I don't understand.' It's nonsense and it has to end."
"Fine, it won't get any support. But let's say that we could bring that bill forward. What would you be willing to offer as a rider?"
"A rider?" asked Potus.
"You know, some pork. Some grease." The Speaker of the House smiled mischeviously.
"A metaphor for money?"
"Exactly."
"No way. It's my way or the highway. Getting rid of Daylight Spending is its own reward."
"I don't follow," frowned the House Speaker.
"Never mind," said Potus. "Do it or don't, nobody cares. We spent a lot of time trying to come up with really good ways to say 'go fuck yourself' to Congress and I wanted to run those by you."
"Um..."
"Sit back relax. Here we go." said Potus, picking up a piece of paper and putting on his reading glasses. "Let's see. 'Go have sex with yourself', that's pretty basic. Not very imaginative. 'Go autonomously into coitus' I like that, but I don't know what it means. 'Go masturbate selfishly' you see because it's go fuck yourself by yourself."
"Sir," objected the House Speaker.
"No, hold on. They're getting better. We tested all of these and the audiences in the focus group loved them. 'Go auto fellatio upon your phallus', that's for the men, obviously. 'Henceforth conjugate thyself', a little to fancy schmancy for me. 'Forever auto copulate', again, dunno what that means. I'm sure it's bad, though."
"Um..."
Potus waved, annoyed. "'With thine ownself reproduce', kind of Shakespeareian don't you think? 'Put your own fork in your yoghurt,' that's questionable, because no one puts a fork in yoghurt. 'Spunk up your own junk', whatever."
"Do we really have to continue?"
Potus put down the paper and his glasses. "You see that we're really trying to say 'Screw off' as nicely and in as Christian a way as possible. That's just a sign of respect."
"I don't think so, Sir, with all due respect. That's just flattering someone by calling their beard bull semen."
"I've never heard that before, and I've used a lot of phrases," noted Potus. "Don't get upset or we'll get into a name calling contest and that won't do a short squat duck phlemn turd bucket like you any good."
"It's you who aren't any good, you filthy farm animal lover. You've clearly enjoyed the company of live stock a few times more than allowed by law in your state."
"Oh no you don't, you pig genital manipulator. You don't dare refer to the First Lady that way."
"You don't like it do you, Sir. The shoe has gone on the other foot now and it is uncomfortable because it's a left shoe on a right foot."
"No, sir, I do not like it one bit. Maybe if you didn't grant cunnilingus to rodent Capybara in the middle of the night, you'd be able to speak better."
"I've never even been to South America," screamed the Speaker of the House. "And another thing, you sick bastard. How do you even know what a Capybara is? There's no way someone could have figured that out without some insider knowledge." He rose from his seat.
Potus stood up as well behind his desk. "Ha, I don't need any insider knowledge. I'm the man on the inside. I'm an office. I have executive powers of observation. I'm able to discern what the people of America need me to see. I'm chosen above all others to lead."
Johnson came in with the Chief of Staff. Potus motioned him over. "Johnson, remove this House Speaker before I do harm to him."
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